
Our mexico trips have a way of breathing life into me. It is different than other vacations where you have places to explore and things to do. The whole agenda in mexico is to relax.
I sat on the balcony with my feet propped up most of the 4 days we were there. Listening to waves roll in, feeling the breeze, soaking up the sun or looking at the stars, having good conversations or reading a good book, writing in my journal. I can’t think of anything I would rather do. It was so good to connect with old friends and have good conversations. So good to play “mafia” and spades and spoons (and see Israel diving across the table to grab a spoon.) So good to smoke a cigar and drink a hefeweizon. To hear about what books and music people have found lately…and to talk about life. I did swim a little, lay out on the beach a little, go to a fabulous chicken stand (which I seem to enjoy more and more each year…they bring the whole chicken, to your table and you tear it off to make your tacos. It is a place I would never try in the states, outside, under a tent…but it is very, very good.)
But besides the time I spent hanging out with everyone, I also had some time to myself…to walk along the beach, to feel the water coming over my feet and talk to God, actually, I think he did most of the talking through his nature. My “conversations” with God have become less and less verbal. They are still very real conversations where I gain so much from it, but I am not trying to come up with words to express, it is more in thoughts, more visual, more emotional. Looking at the tide coming in, seeing and hearing the rhythm of the waves and hoping, praying that I will have the same rhythm to my life some day soon in Portland…to not just focus on me and getting to know the area and be familiar, but finally be at a place where I am looking past myself to the people around me…being part of a church community…where we give and serve and don’t just expect to get. To be able to part of the city and be part of something bigger than ourselves.
And walking in the sand, I could see God’s artistry at work. You look at the sand as a whole and it is the light brownish khaki that you think of when you think of sand…but you look close and you see millions of brilliant colors…rusty reds, mossy greens, deep oranges, purples, browns. The colors are magnificent and beautiful. Each part of nature seemed to amaze me. And if God put so much detail in this sand, then he must care for the details of my life. (You can hear that and you can read that, but when you experience it, it is different.) Last year at mexico, I was still living in phoenix and I was anxiously awaiting our move to Minneapolis. And almost overwhelming to think that this time around, I’m anxiously awaiting being settled in Portland. And I’m just ready to be settled. And as these thoughts ran through my head, I realized that I am having a hard time trusting God with our life. I look back on our time in phoenix and our short time in Minneapolis. And I see how God’s hand was clearly there. that we were where we were suppose to be. How he provided for us and provided a “family” around us. How much I have learned and how much I have been stretched. But I look forward in the future and I wonder how God is going to do it this time. Will we really feel at home here? Will we find a community that can be our family, that will challenge us and love us? And as I sang “Jesus Jesus how I trust thee, how I prove you o’er and o’er.” On the beach, Tears went down my face and I saw that my heart is full of doubt and I am not living in hope…when God is screaming YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO HAVE HOPE…we have gotten through travis going back to school and me being layed off, while I was the only one working, we’ve gotten through a furlough and two big moves across the country in less than a year…and even in that we were able to make it through and not just make it, but really live and experience things. We are moving into a new chapter where a house and a family are hopefully in our future, where we might settle in for a very long while...we have every reason to look with hope. Maybe I’m just weary, maybe I don’t know how to “settle” maybe I like newness more than I care to admit. But whatever the case, I know that God has gone before us and he can prepare us for whatever lies ahead. That is what God said to me while walking by the beach, maybe not in words, but I felt it.
So, I feel renewed and inpired and ready to conquer life…or at least I have a fresh perspective.